I felt so strong, it was empowering.
I felt healed, it was positive.
I felt love, it was a connection straight away.
Throughout it all, I felt supported, respected and in control.
Im Haley, I've suffered Postnatal Depression, Postnatal Anxiety and birth trauma and this is my positive birth experience with my second baby, Jason.
My first was traumatic, my choices taken away. I was not properly informed and also mistreated by staff so I set out to be informed and supported the best I could for my second. I was planning to have a VBAC - Vaginal Birth After Caesarian.
I was 36 weeks and 5 days, it was a Saturday and I just felt within my soul that this baby was coming by Monday. I was certain I was in early labour that Saturday, having had cramping all day. I headed to bed at 11pm and at 2am I woke from a lot of tightening in my belly and a few moments later felt pressure, then water came out. I debated, did I actually pee? I hopped on the toilet and my membranes kept gushing out.
Ok, it was time to pack the hospital bag quickly so I could go and relax in the dark and get my Hypnobirthing on. It's funny how unorganised you can be the 2nd time around.
It was about 6am and my surges were about 5ish min apart and we headed to the hospital.
I was blessed to have Jaime as my doula. She set my birthing space up how I wanted it. We had my own birthing affirmation cards layed out throughout the room, lights off with my LED candles going and her aromas scenting the room beautifully, aswell as my Hypnobirthing Australia tracks playing. I requested to be in a different room then I had with my first. The midwives were amazingly supportive of all my choices.
I laboured on the ball for awhile, standing and kneeled over the bed and a little laying down to rest, but mostly in an upright position, still concentrating on my breathing and visualisations. Resting my tongue on my upper lip, instantly relaxed my jaw, following that loosness down throughout my body. I remember my husband and Jaime's touch, gently stroking my back, putting me deeper and deeper into a relaxed state of mind.
There was some talking and laughing in between.
I thought of things that now came naturally through completing the Hypnobirthing Australia program, like my belly filling an inner balloon to help me breath through the intense surges I was feeling. Repeating affirmations to myself like, "You can do anything for 60 seconds". It helped me throughout it all and everything seems very achievable with a mind set like that.
If my body became tense and it did because it was a whole 18 hours of labour, Jaime's touch and grounding me helped re-centre myself.
I made an informed choice to deny cervical checks. Knowing that "I'm only" X cm is not an indication of how much longer I have to go and made me feel disappointed with my first. There's so much work bub/mum has to do, like manoeuvre and move down as well as thinning the cervix. It didn't feel beneficial to me to just focus on a certain number of cm.
At a later time I chose to get a cervical check. I made a decision for my midwife to only tell Jaime. If you knew my husband, he's not one to not hide his expressions with news and I absolutely did not want to know at that point.
Every decision that was made I felt apart of and supported and although my body was exhausted and mentally drained as it took so much energy to breath and my body to stay relaxed and limp, I was sleeping in between surges.
I knew I was in transition when I felt my body cold and start to shake. Prior to this it was my mindset that had changed. I was having all sorts of conversations with myself now. "How the hell am I gonna have the strength to keep going?", "How much longer?", "I want this baby out!"... actually think I said that one out loud!
I was asking myself, "How am I going to have the strength to push bub out?" but at times also answering myself with a positive mindset like, "I can keep doing this, ok that surge wasn't as intense". I did choose to have the gas but everything was when I asked for it. I did not want to be offered anything.
They did a cervical exam. I was 8cm, 100% effaced but had a cervical lip. Bubs head was in a deflexed position which was causing me to bear down which had caused quite a lot of swelling.
They discussed the situation with me and they recommended an epidural so my body could have a chance to relax and reduce the swelling. I had a failed epidural with my first which resulted in me being stuck on the bed and feeling everything on one side and also put under general anaesthetic during my c section, so I wanted to labour without it for my second.
I was devastated, I didnt want one. Even at 8cm I knew I could do it on my own. We had a chat and then I chatted with my hubby and Jaime about it. Once I realised the bearing down was out of my control due to how babies head was pushing on my cervix, I finally agreed. It did take them 4 hrs before administering the spinal though!
It would have been great to say things progressed and swelling went down in the next 5 hrs however it didnt.
I had spinal done which I was glad because it would take effect quicker and to be honest I was bit nervous about another failed epidural. Time had passed and we had made a decision for a c section given the position of baby.
We did find out that my uterus was hard and during the section had "shattered". This was due to how I healed with my first and also the reason they think my body wasn't pushing bub down further as your uterus needs to be soft to contract and push bub down, while mine was hard. What happened was extremely rare. I was relaxed again after I knew they had started and I knew the spinal had worked and I couldnt feel it. I was repeating to myself in my head, "I am flexible and open to changes, I am flexible and open to changes", which was one of my affirmations during my Hypnobirthing.
The curtains were draped down and I saw this little squishy baby covered in thick vernix and blood. It was beautiful, my first thought was oh his so squishy followed by "Oh my God, it's a boy!" They laid him straight on my chest. I tried to hold it in but I couldn't and just let all these emotions out. I will forever remember that precious moment.
Having not bonded with my first and having all those "first" moments taken away, to being put under GA and not properly informed and supported... It was so healing to have him close. We did delayed cord clamping and when we were ready, dad got to cut the cord which he missed out on with our first.
Bub had what I had hand expressed while pregnant while I was in recovery and after I came out we were able to have our first feed together. I cried. Despite being so physically and mentally exhausted, I was so in love and didn't want to put him down.
I felt so strong, it was empowering.
I felt healed, it was positive.
I felt love, it was a connection straight away.
And throughout it all I felt supported, respected and in control.
I would do it all over again.
